ADAM HAYDOCK

cultivate a continuous ripening effect

All of our interactions end in death or breakup. It sounds negative right???!?… well this cycle of ending brings forth a transformation and speaks to the dogma of the universal law of impermeance. 

What is certain is that change will occur. Uncertainty is certainly going to happen. It has been this way since time began and humans have always lived in some type of jeopardizing situation. 

Grow yourself and the world around you. Love and give. Do not stop, and when you go off your path, purpose, or potential, rise again.  

Men, I am speaking to you. I have been exposed to it too. I'm out in the open and vulnerable as I hold space for this presence, I have found that our reference experiences is a foundation towards confidence. You already have been successful and you can do it again.  Expect rough times, expect success, and expect greatness out of you. 

Men, this is a call out and a stand we must take. A stand I am taking right now. This is what YOU can do to improve your relationships with other people and yourself. 

Within your unwavering presence is your observance to your emotions.  

Empower your emotions as mechanisms when life happens for you. Your emotions mean indicators of change, something is wrong, something is not working, something needs to be addressed, your concerned about the future, or you're still living in the past.  

They are indicators like an alert on your car panel to service your relationship and/or service YOU! 

Men, I am one of you. and to that I say, we all need to be fucking better. We have to. We deserve it and our partners deserve it. Take responsibility for the trajectory in the relationship. Take ownership in our responsibility, and take responsibility in that we are failing our partners. 

Bring up the hard conversations, get raw, get real, and get honest with yourself. Why would you wait for the person you love to bring up the hard conversations? 

When this happens, our partner can not trust us. They can’t count on us. They have to take charge. They have to assume the masculine responsibility. They can’t soften into our love. They’re trying to FIND our love.

We have to realize that this is our partners wanting to feel more of our love. We all want sovereign neutrality but how will you get there when both sides are not taking action and do not feel safe to do so? 

They just want more of us. They want to feel chosen. To feel fought for. 

You know what they want? They want to fucking lean into us and submit to us. They want to worship us. They want to tell us how much they want us. 

They want to feel safe owning every ounce of their desire for us, so they’re free to scream from their fucking hearts and sacrum in simultaneous unison. 

They want to worship our hearts. But we have to give them a reason to. 

That’s what they want. They want to open to us so utterly it will rock our entire fucking world.  They want to feel our energy releasing deep inside them as you roar with your partner while holding and connecting deeper into them. 

But, if they don’t trust us, if they don’t trust us to take control of our responsibility in the relationship, they will shut down. They will close their lips and shut down. 

It’s okay to feel sad about this. It’s ok to be afraid that you won’t be able to give the love that your partner deserves. Own it. Embrace it. Allow yourself to be scared. Speak your shame aloud. 

Be present to all of this. AND GO ANYWAY. Lean into your fear. If your scared of what will happen DO IT ANYWAY! Take the leap. Fail horribly. Look dumb. Look stupid. Be utterly open and vulnerable with your love. With your desires. With every part of you. Don’t hold back. 

Lead your partner. Devour your partner. Guide your partner. Allow her to soften towards your partners dream, and the undying light. Take responsibility to tell your partner where we are going, paint the picture, and bring it to your partner. 

Bring up the hard conversations. If your sex life sucks, be the one to initiate this conversation with your partner and tell your partner what you want your sex life to look like. Paint the fucking picture. Tell your partner what turns you on and what you desire. 

Initiate with your partner. Tell your partner how fucking badly you want them. If you’re disconnected, be the first one to take that step and say you’re disconnected.

If things are awkward, say they’re awkward. If the relationship has to end, don’t drag your partner through the inevitable demise, end the relationship.

 When you take charge with your partner, your partner exhales and says internally, “It’s safe for me to have my dream now.”

So, when you fail to guide and ground the relationship, you steal the dream from your partner. Men, Our partners are suffering because there is an epidemic of men not taking their relational responsibility. Take charge of dictating what the container of our relationship looks like. 

Of course, your partner is a part of the conversation. This is not a dictatorship. But lets take initiative and go first. Let's lead our partner where we want to go. 

It’s time to wake up. Sure, your partner may say she trusts you, but her body won’t. Not fully. 

 You’ll be with your partner, but never open to you fully. Your partner will always withhold a part of herself from you because, deep, deep in her body, YOUR PARTNER  DOES NOT TRUST YOU. 

How does that feel? Knowing you’re with your partner but not opening to you fully? Knowing she is not being ravished by you in the way her soul, heart and body utterly desire?

It fucking hurts, doesn’t it?

It’s time for us to step up. To assume our portion of responsibility and if you absolutely have to make the call, do it. Love your partner enough to leave the relationship. 

We must not look to our partner for validation or reassurance, we have to be willing to upset our partner, trigger our partner, or disagree with our partner, just as long as we’re walking in alignment with the highest intention of our heart and soul. 

It doesn’t matter how much money you make. All it matters is your fucking commitment to your highest purpose. A broke man with integrity is more of a man than a millionaire who is out of alignment with his greatest truth. 

We don’t need things to be a man. We don’t need stuff. We just need to guide our partner and choose to lead where our truth wants us to go. What do we want? Where do we want to go? What do we want our love to look like? Our lives to look like? We must go first. 

If we wait for our partner to decide for us, we are failing, and failing ourselves. We must move the train. It’s our partners job to decide if she wants to hop on and be a part of our hero’s mission on this planet. 

Men, in order to be this for our partners, we have to be willing to lose them. By owning our truth powerfully enough that our partner might leave us because of it.  Love them enough to let them go. 

Sure, by not owning that, we may still have our partner, but we will never actually have our partner. Understand? 

It will be a repressed, caged, ambiguous love. But it won’t be fierce. It will never be fierce. 

 Don’t we all want to love something fierce? Something so fucking fierce we both want to cum and cry at the same time. 

We have to meet our edge, constantly. We have to be willing to die, constantly. We have to meet our hurt. We have to meet our trauma. 

We have to meet the depths of our bodies and all the pain that comes along with it. Die for our partner, over and over. 

We have to be so in our fucking bodies we can read their body, we can feel their body, and we can sense when something is off.

And we dictate the container from this awareness. We assume the responsibility so they can rest and be the love our partner craves and we must hold that discomfort, hold it, and love harder, love harder. 

We must not allow that discomfort of their light dimming to lead us to retreat, but for it to push us to pry her open, to be the jester for her heart, to lead towards the arrival of the greatest truth in that moment. 

When we don’t do this, when we are not willing to die our deaths and meet our pain, we will never be able to bring our partner their relational dream. When they drag us along, they’re dying a slow death. Their feminine dies a slow death. They will guide us, and they won’t want to be intimate with us. 

Every time your partner has to be the one to bring up that hard conversation, to control the direction, you’re failing your partner, and the life force is suffering because of it. 

Our women have an equal responsibility in the trajectory in the relationship to align our oculus toward sovereign neutrality.  They will bring up hard conversations but not at the absence of men failing to show up, hold space,  and address the hard conversations he can’t have. 

Men, you know exactly what I am talking about. Maybe you want to avoid a fight, not deal with her being “crazy”, not lose the opportunity to have sex, or not feel enough because your insecurity to lose your women? 

You do not own her and do not have her to begin with and I will guarantee you that you are “losing” her if you do not have those hard conversations. The story you tell yourself about her “crazy” behavior is your own, not her responsibility. 

She is craving you to step up, to hold space for her emotions, be that still observing space protecting her, and shameless for being wild, unwinding, and fierce. Let your partner fall into the feminine.  She will only do so when your partner knows it is safe. 

This container doesn't make her weak, ashamed, submissive, or inferior. Your partner is strong, successful, independent, and consciously empowered through her own experiences leveraged by the relationships to past trauma, stories, perspective, and relationships. 

 Relationships, stories, and traumas, that we, men have had to! 

 Now she has an opportunity to relinquish that protective shell, that shell we think is "crazy", that shell that isn't full vulnerable, but now has opened to our love and to the path of Sovereign Neutrality.  

Women know when you do not step up. It will poison drip her life force.  Besides, we all want something fierce deep within our core. 

It’s time we bring our partners, to the dream that lives in their bodies. Women are the portal to the divine, but only if we allow them to soften into the gifts, they want to bring to us. We all come from women and that makes her the portal to the devine.  

Love enough to let go of the relationship. If something is inherently and fundamentally wrong with the relationship, bring it up. don't wait. Be the one to audit the relationship and end the relationship. 

There is someone for her and someone for you that wants to be fierce and wild.  Let her find love and you find your love.  A love to live with, experience, and to die for.  your warrior woman.  Find her and let her be the wild woman you really want.

A truth is that we do not lose anyone. Our relationships either transform or the physical form of our bodies transform in death, we do not actually lose anyone. They were never ours to begin with. This material body came from inside life and transforms back into the earth. 

To my friends and everyone I share love with, yes, my friends are also loved. I cannot commit that I will be here for the rest of your days, but I can promise you that our experiences of connection, love, and self-Sovereignty will be my affect for us and those like us.

When you are accepted into my castle you are loved. The boundaries are fortified through experience. Inside, there is a love that is fierce, wild, raw, and full of experience.

That warrior woman that will fight for you, that woman that you want to share with world with and die for.  That kind of love awaits.  

To everyone else I share with: When I die, you will never actually lose me. Our effects carry on with those who continue to succeed after us. Our effects provided directions you took with the experiences you had with them.  What we all have become and what we will do will have an influence on the present 

If you are ever lost and want to find me, Look deep into the wild. Look into that place where it’s fierce and unyielding. That place where we laugh loud, scream with conviction, cum with a roar, and cry with vigor. 

Men, I am still speaking to you.  we live in virtue, of purpose, and allow ambition to be our fuel while our discipline sets a high standard for peak performance. Now, it’s time to orient our oculus towards what is most resistance and destabilize my own life to succeed. 

A truth that I attest to; in order to grow, you will have to go through pain. Staying present and accept a more empowering story of what that pain means, is the training grounds for your primal contact. 

Being grateful for the pain, you have shown your humility that you are alive and willing to feel, is a gift for consciousness. 

Time and time again I learned that pain was the proving ground for the mind to stay present and make decisions, but when things were hard, success could still be found under all circumstances. That is the relationship I told myself of what pain means. 

 This is not for the spoils or the effects that will be enjoyed, but for the gratitude towards the journey that will be celebrated with love, through love. 

In me, that is the only mode of being and the only response to the mechanisms of change, that I recognize. 

TO all my friends and people, I love; Go deeper!!! Look further!!! You haven’t lost me; I’ve been here this whole time. 

The illusion of loss is a story we tell ourselves. Look deep within you and I will always be there, in that beautiful place we experience. It’s that place that's raw and wild! That place where we celebrate and remember.  

It’s that place where we endured, a place deep inside where curiosity drove us deeper, or that place where love will always be found.

 My friends, lovers, family and to all I have interacted with, you already know where that place is. it’s that place that’s fierce, raw, and the place where we have run wild! Its where we have and will always find Sovereign Neutrality. 

Go back there! That’s the place where you will always find me. Our physical form leaves… our affect remains…. fair trade. 

We all have and know of places throughout the world that we inherently gravitate towards. The places that draw in our curiosity.  Those place where dreams are made from and cause us to ponder our future relationship and experience for that destination. For me, one of those places was the Matterhorn. A naturally carved pyramid in the sky, almost perfectly shaped to even fool the conspiracy theorists that another existence fabricated this anomaly. Once you put your hands on the horn's ascent, you may also feel like it was made just for you but what we found was a different experience when we climbed the Matterhorn. 

Mountaineers continuously talk about tall prominent peaks that reach for the clouds and beyond. Some of these peaks climb high enough to be their own island in the sky as clouds engulf the land below.  

One of the most prominent peaks in Europe is the Matterhorn.  Most everyone I have known that is into mountaineering knows about the Matterhorn.  Most people in Europe have heard of the Matterhorn's mystique, challenge, and prominence. The locals can’t view the sky without seeing the Matterhorn's dominating presence. 

Indeed, it’s quite the site to see from below as well as when you are climbing the mountain, but what you may not see from the distance is the herd of people that attempt to summit the peak. 

Watching the Matterhorn throughout the previous week on the Gorner glacier was like starring at a beacon.  The mountain was calling me in a dream state reality. The gravity would pull my eyes towards the peak on an hourly basis. 

I even woke up at 4am to see the peak at night with the stars still out and the moon casting a contrasting hue onto the texture of the horn. It was a uniquely interesting in-itself. The darkness of a triangular void stood presently, and somewhat eerie forefronting the starlit sky. 

Now if you know a bit more about mountaineering, you will understand the idea of an alpine start. Starting at 3 am people make their way up the mountain to have the best conditions and the right amount of time to avoid weather.  The same goes for the Matterhorn. From where my campsite was on the glacier, I could see a “glow worm “of lights from the Hornli hut, going up halfway to the top!!!

No doubt, the crumbly nature of this peak and the unseasonably warm conditions that this peak has resided with made climbing the mountain, “Particularly dangerous” at least that was according to the local Swiss Heli-SAR we were working with at the time. One operator mentioned that they were picking people off the peak and/or addressing injuries on a daily basis.  Injuries were occurring at numbers they haven’t seen in a long time.  The allure of this mountaineers Mecca is real and so is the risk to injury.

I was able to get a couple warm up peaks including the Breithorn and the Oterrothorn before my friend Chris McMahan showed up to Zermatt.  Hiking up these peaks gave me a sense of the weather, a bit more acclimation, and a means to observe the behavior that weather has at elevation and how the Matterhorn was behaving.  The previous week, the weather had clear skies, warm, and little snow on the mountain. As the days went by, the weather started to turn against us. Rain, snow, and clouds cover turned the seemingly high angle faces of the Matterhorn into a snow-covered mountain. 

The following day Chris picked me up from my Airbnb and we headed to the train station to park. We went to Zermatt and started our hike to the Hornli hut. We stopped by at the guide service center, and they said that no guides went today but they are sending either "experienced guides" up tomorrow to summit the following day. A few experienced guides might attempt tomorrow.  

We are right in the window of a “GO/NO-GO” condition, and we only have 1 day to make our attempt. (Mistake 1) We hike to the gondola that will take us to the high point called Schwarzsee. From there we have to gain another 2200 ft to get to the Hornli hut which is at the base of the Matterhorn at 10800 ft. We hike this trail and day hikers are coming down from the peak in herds. Notably so as the last ride to Zermatt is at 4:30 pm.  After a couple hours Chris and I make it to the world famous Hornli hut. There is an outside patio that looks fairly new. You walk across this patio to enter the building with a mess hall for dinner and a registration center is found. 

Our reservation is under our friend Daniel Martin. Daniel was not able to make it due to an injury, so we finalized the registration and realized that it was mandatory to have sleeping bag liners. We ended up purchasing these sleeping bag liners.  These are considered a layer of protection, so people do not spread bed bugs or other nocturnal emissions on the bed. These not so fitted liners and did not actually accommodate the blanket and pillows they provided. (NOTE: you do NOT need to bring a sleeping bag, sleeping pad, or pillows to the hut.)

You do not need to bring water for the climb. You can purchase water at the hut for the climn.   you will pay 15-20 dollars for 3 liters of water but if you made this far, you should be able to afford it for this occurrence.  After checking in and settling down in our three-person bunk hostel we walk around outside to where the climb starts. There are fixed lines with large ropes fixed into the rock. The peak is encased with clouds as the sun struggles to penetrate through. Faint sounds of helicopters look in the air and snow cover start only 500 ft of elevation above us. We walk through the mess hall and sit down as we mingle with the other climbers in the room. There must be over 100 people here. A few are just staying overnight to hike down and some are attempting the summit. We notice guides dressed to perfection with their outstanding outfits and rhetoric. 

Their group of 3-10 people surround them as they listen to their plan. One climber walks up to us and asks if we have a connection cable for her light, Chris looks back in the room as I ask, “was your light turned on by accident in your pack”.? She replied, “no I just came from summiting K2 and my battery is dead”. My curiosity peaked! “Wow, tell me about that experience of summiting K2, what was it like”? She explained that it took her and the guide service that was hired, 5 weeks to summit. “The unguided team unfortunately was killed. Our team was not sure if we could make it either, but we did it.” Wow, follow up questions were met with the resonance that the previous answer had.  I later found out that she is one of the first female K2 summit expedition leaders to successfully execute a K2 summit.   We met a few other people including two guys from Tahoe that came out just for this summit. They have been at the hut for a week waiting for the window of opportunity to open up. Tomorrow is they last day for them so they are going to give it a go whatever the conditions might be. The guides are considering heading up with their clients tomorrow morning at 4am. 

I noticed that not only did the locals, the guide service, and the guides recommend being guided, most people were going with a guide service. There appeared to be only 4-5 groups (including us) that were unguided. We headed to bed and had a third person in our bunk room, a French guy attempting the summit solo.  We got the last few glimpses of the mountain and the clouds cleared as the sun crested over the summit and the temperature plummeted. 

Chris and I went to bed which was more like laying down than getting sleep. Our blood pressure was slightly elevated due to the elevation and not being acclimated to 10800 ft. Throughout the night the temps drop just below freezing icing over any snow melt that was occurring the day before.  4am coming seemingly a minute later, alarms go off, and feet start to rumble. 

I wake up and throw my clothing on as we both get downstairs to eat breakfast. People are all over the place. Guides and people are coiling rope around themselves, and their clients clip in. There must be over 70 people starting their way up the ridge. The requirement was that the guides go first with their clients, then everyone else gets the opportunity to go. This meant that we are in the back of the line.  Finally, just about everyone left and Chris and I set out for the first obstacle. We were greeted by a line of over 20-30 people waiting to bypass the first 5th class scramble. “Man, this is not what I was expecting and not how I like to experience mountaineering”. We looked around the corner and we could see a line of lights heading up the ridge. I got that same feeling I get when I look at a photo of a long line of people attempting to summit Everest. This roller coaster was moving a lot slower than the Matterhorn ride at Disneyworld. 

There is a bit of serenity I find in mountaineering where there is solitude or small sporadic groups throughout the route. This reminded me of half dome in Yosemite. Finally, it was our turn to start. Chris and I are roped up together and there's a couple ahead of us. The first of the two climbs up and the second is having some tough challenges getting over this first scramble. Chris and I kept hearing her say “chunka chunka”, at times with a bit of concern in her voice. 

It was at that point I looked at Chris with concern and realized that this is going to take a really long time!!! “ chunka”!!! Echos as rocks fall next to us.  (Mistake 2) don’t be absolutely last! try to get right behind the last guide at all costs. It was very difficult to pass people.  Finally, we are clear to climb, and we start our way up the Matterhorn, the rock is all icy and crumbly. We scale around the first 5th class route and head up this scree pile passing 3rd and 4th class scrambling as the blue hour of sun starts to emit.  We can see all the non-guided groups scattered throughout the 1/3 to the middle of the route near the high hut. People were everywhere and so were the sounds of rock fall. Crumbling rock with kicks from people's movement and the thaw of ice and snow melt started rain rocks down below. We got to the next 5th class route and again we were bottle necked we are about a third of the way up to the summit. We can see the high hut fairly close as well as Over 30 people climbing and scratching their way up the peak. Chris and I sit down and have a chat about this situation. 

We are a bit more than a 1/3rd of the way up. People are going in all different directions, rocks are falling everywhere, there is snow melting throughout the face, this is not the mountaineering experience I am looking for with all of these people. Chris agreed that this is not a great experience as it was more like small township of people climbing to the top. We are behind people that are going very slow, and we are quickly running out of time before the afternoon heavy rockfall comes into play. Knowing the snow melt would loosen the rock more and we still had a lot of time in the day, we bailed and headed to Ticino.  We could have continued to push but at the pace we were behind, we would have made it to the high hut before the risk would have become too great to continue, so a summit was out of the question.  We did salvage the day with a beautiful c class canyon in Ticino.  

To me, mountaineering is the experience of connecting into the mountain, the intention to summit safely, the experience with the team, and respecting the mountain.  None of this was there for us and as summit fever and regret set in, I reminded myself why I enjoy mountaineering. 

The challenges and the time it takes to summit is not always a one-day occurrence. If we had more time, we could have made another attempt the following day. If we got right behind a guide and not others with unknown skill sets, there could have been a better chance. The culmination of crumbly rock in snowmelt and rock fall added to the decision to leave as it was passing our threshold. For the weeks previous, people were getting injured every day on the horn due to the unseasonable conditions and resulting rock fall. 

It wasn’t worth the risk and starting the world class canyoning portion of the trip was started a day earlier.  For what it’s worth, not all mountains require a summit. Not only you can go back and give it another go but for the Matterhorn, I will rather go somewhere else. 

As much as I respect the legacy of the Matterhorn, the Hornli Hut, the people that manage the mountain, and the climbers who make the attempt, I found that there were way too many people going up. Part of this was our fault with not being ambitious enough to get right behind the guides. The rockfall is a concern but if we were further ahead, I believe we would have encountered less rock fall and fuckery from the groups below. I also think if we gave it a few more days and "learned" that people and the route a bit more we would have made it.  Ticino was calling our names for us to give it another shot.  Monte Rosa or Monte Blanc would be summits I would rather visit. 

The Matterhorn is a worthy climb and a worthy place to make the attempt. People from around the world come to the Matterhorn to put hands and feet on its ridge and it was an honor to do so. I do recommend getting in your Matterhorn experience and I want that experience to be better for you and successful, even include the summit. I do also see the value of hiring a guide as it will get you first in line and have a pathway to follow. Even hiking to the Hut is worth the hike to stay one night. I will never forget the experience and I am not only glad I got to experience it with a friend, but we got to get a beautiful canyon complete right as the sunset, fair trade.