ADAM HAYDOCK

BLUE VELVET CANYON, LAKE MEAD NATIONAL RECREATIONAL AREA, ARIZONA

April 03, 2023

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CHAPTER 2, GROW

April 03, 2023

THE RIPPENING EFFECT

For those that I want the best for and for those whom I love. I want you to suffer. Yes, you read that correctly, I want you to suffer. Not only that, i want you to fail. I want you to fall from grace, fail, and lose. I want you to stand up for your righteous boundaries and beliefs and face the consequences. I want you to build solid plans and have those plans fail over and over again. I want you to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. I want you to meet the right person at the wrong time. I want you to work for the kind of dream that would be the pinnacle of your purpose and passion, that gifted people you trusted, only to have them fight, deceive, lie, steal, and hate each other for it. The kind of fighting where friendships end.

Yes, you heard me right, I want you to suffer, fall and fail over and over. I want you to fall in love at the wrong time, I want you to lose your job you worked so hard for to build, I want you to lose so much money you doubt your evolved strategies will ever work or pay the bills. I want you to realize that you had trusted friends around you and turned out to NOT be the people you thought they were.

I want you to get passed up for job, miss financial opportunities, and I want you to get disconnected within your paradigm of presence, your philosophy of life, forget all the work you done for yourself, and doubt your self-worth. I want you to just to be left in a low vibration reality filled with anxiety and self-doubt. I want you end a relationship that could work, but because your boundaries were crossed, you ended the relationship and was attacked for being the bad guy.

I am gripping my fist and developing tears because I want this for you so much. I want you to the work you do for organizations and groups, " your all", and abandon yourself in the process. I even want you to fall on your face and allow self-doubt to creep in and leave yourself feeling "it's all your fault" and feel that there is something fundamentally wrong with you, even abandon yourself while your impostor whispers in your mental ear, you are worthless.

So here we are, feeling the incomprehensible amount of loss and pressure to stop the bleeding, unappreciated, not valued, and doubting your mere existence while feeling everyone has abandoned you. But was it that everyone abandoning you or did you just abandon yourself somewhere along the way? Are we bleeding on people who never really cut us ? What if we were able to change this narrative and adopt a more empowering story to tell ourselves? Why do I want you here? Because this could just be one of the most profound experiences, I can ever wish for you.

In me, I had to seek where I began. Than where I began again, and again. When I reflect back into my mental mirror and look at the man I am continuing to build, I remind myself that we are still ripening and growing. I tell myself; " I hurt you, I abandoned you, and I didn't show up for you. I will never do that to you again. We know how much pain I brought us to make us this calm and this stillness, but I am building you and I will always continue to build you until we die, together. That insecure and uncertain little boy with the former versions of me can all come out and play, be loved for his flaws, and see the castle we built for us and for the people we love. It's time we let that little boy come out and see how much we accomplished and have done. " I reach out and hold that little boys hand and look into his eyes and say: " Its working out for us young man and we are just getting started". This is where I find footing to grow.

Now, If I am going to build that man we deserve, I step back and consider " what would I put you through to make the man I want?" It wouldn't be easy times, or quick wins, it would be struggle and challenge to reach things just outside of my grasp. I would continue to do that as we tear and rebuild the muscle of character to create the man that I want to be. Intelligence is the rate of learning, so the quicker I can upload the right information, the more intelligent I can ultimately become. There are building blocks and bits of information I uploaded into myself and below are elements I have learned along the way to build the man I an proud of.

First off, we are alive. We have our physical limitations, occurrences, situations, placements, but our meaning we associate is all within our mind. What we attach meaning to and what we tell ourselves what something means to us has been within my philosophy for a long time now, but to have your philosophy shaken to its core, broken, and stress tested will anchor the fortitude in what you really choose to believe. We are all bad ass when we are fed, rested, and have a clear plan, but it's when we are tired, hungry, thirsty, and in a place inside your mind where we absolutely do not want to be; were we get to truly test our mental agility and philosophy, we get to experience our fortitude.

The illusion of loss is as profound as your mind interpretating what the experience means to you and the reality of the experience itself. Afterall, There are two different parallel occurrences happening, the reality of what is happening, and what we are telling ourselves are happening.

Always show up as the best version of yourself. Make the choice to allow the most authentic version of you, radiate from within. When you show up and it’s just not right for someone, honor that they communicated to you in the best way they knew how and let go knowing that there was nothing you could have done. Lean in one last time and meet them where they are at in that space in-between the : “ I can, and, I can not”.

Embrace what is felt, show compassion, honor your moment-to-moment peak experiences, find what was great, and absorb what you learned. finally, take your energy back and love them enough to let them go. You got to show yourself just how wonderful you can be to someone. Be proud of yourself and continue to model the kind of love you want to receive. If someone cannot meet you there, love them enough to let them go. They no longer get to experience you. It’s going to feel uncomfortable and by design, it is supposed to feel uncomfortable. It’s not that someone decided to not lean in, it’s that you got to see just how great of a person you can really be to someone, so be a good person, be a good man. There is a very realistic expectation that you will be let down again and again. Remember, we are a flawed species but when it happens again, you now know you have the capability to get through it.

Attachment to the outcome is also an illusion that we think if we get something we will be happy. Attachment comes with the disbeliefs that we will be happy once we get the idea, or the story, or the partner, or the thing. We will not know if we will be happy once we get the idea or item but we know is that we can embody happiness in the presence.

The illusion of loss is our own responsibility and I believe that other than our stories, I do not think we ever truly own or lose anything, it transforms.

Everyone has a story, and you may never know the story they are writing or even be able to translate the language they choose to write their story in.

Do not judge anyone by the story or chapter you walked into. Love them enough to let them go, so they can continue to write their most compelling story that means most to them.

Love is boundless, It will never be found because it’s already within us. It’s radiant, warm, and it breathes the life of magnetic enoughness. We are love.

Your commitment to your relationship with yourself is one of the best decisions, only you can make so why not live a fun, sexy, adventurous, creative, purposeful, and meaningful relationship with yourself?

When you fall down (and this will happen) observe yourself, once again, in that familiar sinister, dark, and doubtful place. It’s that place where the remaining trauma runs free, tearing at your core fabrication. Feel it, see where it came from, and see where it is going.

When you fall, what will it mean this time? What relationship will you have with it? What new boundaries will you establish to protect you?

Are you going to continue to be the result of your coping mechanisms and your own submission to what attracts your trauma or are you going to listen to you and let go? Are you bitter or are you getting better? Victims are punked, clowned, and used by their traumas, hero's use trauma as fuel for momentum so others may have a steeping stone to bypass trauma.

Look deep into the previous versions of yourself and those stories you have told yourself. The stories of suffering, victimhood, and the stories where you abandoned yourself in the pursuit of approval, validation, love, and connection.

I do not recommend abandoning yourself to seek something that has already been within you this whole time. I also do not recommend leaving yourself to fit someone else's narrative or even prove into someone else's frame or fixing people, in exchange for the illusion of being indispensable enough that they will not leave you. Their development is not your responsibility but your relationship to abandonment is your responsibility.

Take your focus back onto you. give yourself compassion, unlearn the habits that reinforced the stories being told, let go of the shame. replace and re-write the most empowering story of that experience and let go. What we can't control happening to us and for us, are opportunities for us to practice letting go. That version is not you anymore, you are a learned you. This is where the fierce, unyielding, and the present version of yourself will rise and rise again.

What is your relationship to pain, what is pain trying to tell you? I remind myself to stop seeking happiness externally as soon as you place self-worth externally. you are bound to lose it due to the duality of life. go into the pain and sink into the feeling of pain. It's your teacher, let it transform you from within,. embrace pain, even pulling positivity from it is fighting against it. Process the pain, Breathing the pain upward is trauma wanting to surface. Let it surface and release the trauma. There is no tool that will ever keep you in a state of happiness. you will go down again but by the virtue of non-attachment, you align with your soul. Pain is just a sensation. We succumb to its means when we make it mean something to us. Reassociate pain to mean something else other than your worth, validation, or identity.

create the reference experience that you stood up for yourself and processed trauma and when you look back at the experience.

be immovable when emotions arise with others. Don’t compromise goals, give her what she needs, help her focus on things she can control, listen, see, hear, and understand her when she gets upset or when emotions arise. Set the tone, let her feel your loyalty, trust, and devotion. Do not be a nice guy or try to get along, create tension, keep your boundaries intact.

Even though I seek that one last deep loving connection with the last relationship I want to be in, travel the world, give preference, give the most incredible experiences, show up with vulnerability, authenticity, and create that safe container for her to be fierce and unyielding, I have also let that go.

Happiness is not the stories I want to tell myself about how the future is supposed to be, but harnessing where I am at now and how special the present moment actually is. That all being said, I have been able to realize many dreams and goals I have set out to achieve, So I still hold on to the belief that we can create even more realities for our dreams. Resistance is your compass. What is your relationship with the present moment. Do I treat this moment as an enemy or obstacle. I do not need to get to another moment. Surrender to the now and to the moment. Be a channel to be open and she will open to you. Among her, is the Devine. The place where we all originated. A place where she wanted humanity be in a state of being, where she wants the best for us, to be loved, and to play. We lose our footing along the way, but we can always go back to that inner child in us. Here is the place where happiness can be found again.

The stories other people write are not your responsibility nor are their traumas that they project or perceive the world in. the cynics get to be right and the optimists get to be rich. the winners mindset sits in between two contractions, paranoia of the present unknown and the unshakable belief of the future. The mere tension between the two makes them hard to beat today and hard to outlast tomorrow.

There is a lonely place between the people you left behind to pursue your dreams and the people you will know when you reach your dreams. Even the ones that routed you on in the beginning, may despise you when you achieve your goals.... even try to pull you down. When that happens remember, you are standing on top of their mountains as you continue to get to the top of yours and you remind them of the goals and the person they gave up on, or at least thought about but never executed. This is where a mindset of regret and despair resides where you look back at the man you could have become and realize you are not that person. That makes NOW the time to change. I think my older self will appreciate this in retrospect.

Some people will choose to write horror stories, comedic stories, dramatic stories, adventure stories, romance stories, They get to write any story they choose. What's amazing is that you get to choose what kind of story you want to write! Why not make it significant?

I have found that embracing to healing to homeostasis to a growth relationship with myself as a commitment to the lifelong journey rather than a temporary action just to fix something. When I look at myself and say I am building you, it means I will always work on you and never abandon you. Committing to this balance has opened my heart to allow genuine connections to naturally grow and leave along the way.

You're connected divine energy with someone will allow vulnerability and compassion to radiate from them as they support and embrace your journey. I am not going to let a rare opportunity pass me by knowing my boundaries and requirements. The people that meet those requirements are so few and if I am seeking the last relationship I will ever be in, I choose to be vulnerable.

In the end, When the future comes to the now, I look left and right. I see who made it and who disappeared along the way. I see the people who got the chance to join the incredible abundant journey and also got to see who has stayed on-board.

I choose to know the friends that know the volume of brutality it took to make me this still.

I see the friends that know the pain it took me to become this compassionate. The kind of friends that know how dangerous we really are but choose to temper our unshaken fortitude from reaction, desire, and temptation.

These are the friends that already ran into the fire when the world was burning around me.

The few that already fought with the vigor of a 1000 on the battleground just for principle rather than an idea.

In the end, when it’s time to finally let go, Our stoic virtues anchored in scripture will speak volumes to my tribe, to my valkyrie. We have already arrived and been here for really long time, among you. All I ask is from you is to know us. I look forward to the oldest and the wisest version of myself. I choose to believe he will be proud of my younger self. I gave him compassion, love, set a container of virtue, abundance, and a transcendence to embody a younger stronger body with the wisdom of our short presence on this weird rock propelling through space, this transient time travel, I call presence. In my last moments, as my eyes become heavy and gravity becomes so dense I am no longer in function of my physical form, I would know that the people I love, got to experience the best version of me. The version I knew how to show for at that time. They also got to hear the best of our stories, but it will be the people that connected deeper into me, that helped me write them.

Show up for yourself as the best version of you. Be the person you are proud of. Continue to strive for greatness. The lives you will change and the abundance you receive will be a clear reflection like a icy clear morning mountain lake. The envisioned icy mountain lake on my death bed will be reflecting You will also be the embodiment reflection along the way for all the people that you made happier than they would have been without you. What you shared, the experiences you gave along the way, the things you built, and the opportunities you connected for them are all your indicators of abundance you have given back to the universe. I know I do, its a legacy worth living for and a legacy worth dying for.

My physical form dies and my impact at its core is reduced to the one thing that prevails over all things and the meaning to the universe, the basis of all the things I fought for, dyed a thousand deaths for, praised, poured, given, received, and lived my life for. This is what I call love. We come from love and we leave with love. Love prevails over all things and love is what leave for you, fair trade.